What hurts the most

"What hurts the most is being so close. Having so much to say and watching you walk away." This is a new song by Rascal Flatts. When I heard it for the first time I just couldn't believe it! It was exactly what I was feeling at the time. It came on today on my way to school and I once again felt this connection to the words. For me it really is the fact that I get so close to someone and for one reason or another it doesn't work out. It hurts so much to put your heart out there and risk it and then for them to throw it back at you as they walk away. And you have so much to say like, please come back; why; did I do something; did I not do something; you know the whole deal! This what my life revolves around right now! And you know it is just probably something i need to learn from, but right now it hurts. Seeing pictures, cars, restaurants, movies, all things that only remind me of what I have lost! I know they weren't for me, but for once i just want it to all work out. I just want a boyfriend! Not necessarily someone i am going marry, not that i would object! But i do feel i have somethings i need to get done still! But why can't it work out for me! It works out for everyone else, all my friends are starting to get married! I feel like "i am wishing on someone elses' star!" Well i guess that is enough of my tangent tonight! I do need to get some homework done! So over and out!

Tonight I wanna cry!

I don't know if anyone else will ever read this, but I just need somewhere to vent my feelings! "I am so sick of love songs." words from a popular song by some popular singer (i forget who!) But i really am sick of love songs. I am sick of couples. I hate V-day! All those hearts and flowers! No one to share it with! Guys are so stupid! They are all the same! At least the ones i find! It hurts so much more to see the relationships that seem to be working out! How do they do it! Are they just hiding it or what? But being bitter just hides the pain and protects me from being hurt! I just don't see anyone out there like those ones i see that have been married for forever! All the guys i meet are jerks! Maybe they don't mean to be but they are! All of them, they all have one focus and that is to use you and move on! Boy have i ever been hurt! And the thing is they all leave me hanging. I just never hear from them again! The closest i ever came to anything special ended in him trying to use me for his sexual desires! I said no way! So he just left. Now he is in the hospital paralyzed. There is this part of me that says he hurt me and deserves it and another of me says that should never happen to anyone and that i should forgive. I think the reason that is so hard for me is because i don't want to let go of the pain, it defines and protects me! I close my heart and nothing goes in and nothing comes out! I don't hurt! Well i do! just not from someone else again! It is self- inflicted pain! I just can't let go and have fun with the opposite sex. I guess that is it right now! I just need to be free and happy!

Well Hello! This is my first time doing this. My friends have been after me to do this, so here i am! Life seems to be going good! Busy but good! I am tired, but having fun! Single life is good! Single Awareness Day is coming up and yeah! We have the valentines dance coming up! So that will be fun! Everyone should come! I will say more later!