Tonight I wanna cry!

I don't know if anyone else will ever read this, but I just need somewhere to vent my feelings! "I am so sick of love songs." words from a popular song by some popular singer (i forget who!) But i really am sick of love songs. I am sick of couples. I hate V-day! All those hearts and flowers! No one to share it with! Guys are so stupid! They are all the same! At least the ones i find! It hurts so much more to see the relationships that seem to be working out! How do they do it! Are they just hiding it or what? But being bitter just hides the pain and protects me from being hurt! I just don't see anyone out there like those ones i see that have been married for forever! All the guys i meet are jerks! Maybe they don't mean to be but they are! All of them, they all have one focus and that is to use you and move on! Boy have i ever been hurt! And the thing is they all leave me hanging. I just never hear from them again! The closest i ever came to anything special ended in him trying to use me for his sexual desires! I said no way! So he just left. Now he is in the hospital paralyzed. There is this part of me that says he hurt me and deserves it and another of me says that should never happen to anyone and that i should forgive. I think the reason that is so hard for me is because i don't want to let go of the pain, it defines and protects me! I close my heart and nothing goes in and nothing comes out! I don't hurt! Well i do! just not from someone else again! It is self- inflicted pain! I just can't let go and have fun with the opposite sex. I guess that is it right now! I just need to be free and happy!